


until my death

by Killermanatee



Series: six deadly words prompts [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Episode: s07e11 Shattered, F/M, Freeform, Heartbreak, Shattered add-on, Six Deadly Words Prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 20:58:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/pseuds/Killermanatee
Summary: "You both died.""Seventeen years ago."- An idea of what could have happened in that alternate Shattered timeline.





	until my death

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Klugtiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klugtiger/gifts).



> This is for my soulmate Klugtiger, who requested the [six deadly words prompt](https://devoverest.tumblr.com/post/174123693807/six-deadly-words-writing-prompts) #24: No, not him/her/them. Kill me instead.
> 
> You are always so kind to beta absolutely everything, even if you don't care for the story, so here's the one you actually asked for. <3

* * *

 

Breathing is difficult. The Doctor tells me it is because of the extensive damage to my lungs, something about degrading cells, I didn’t listen. All I know is that when I try to inhale deeply, I still smell your burned flesh, sharp and nauseating.

 

I am glad that I spend most of the hours in a daze. The hyposprays numb the pain, allow me to pretend that the wound in my back isn’t slowly killing me.

 

Instead I sleep. Sometimes I dream. It must be because of the medication that my dreams are never about how you died. They are always about how you lived.

 

I dream of your secretive tone, leaned in close over the center console on the bridge, exchanging private words.

I dream of your hair blowing in a light breeze, your eyes closed as you inhale the fresh air, your cheeks rosy.

I dream of your hand on my chest, firm and supportive, your heat warming me to the core, your thumb drawing small circles.

I dream of your soft skin, bare and vulnerable and tightly pressed against mine, our limbs intimately entwined.

 

The dreams are good. They may be dull and a little blurry, but they are better than being awake.

 

Because if I turn my head just slightly to the left, I can see the biobed they placed your body on.

 

I remember I cried. I struggled and wanted to scream but couldn’t and then there was a hiss at my neck and when I woke up again, my thoughts were hazy, just flowing into one another.

 

The Doctor has been very kind to me. He told me there was nothing any of us could have done. That I did my absolute best. That I couldn’t have saved you.

Tom and B’Elanna cried, Miral between them, held close in a cocoon of their arms.

They thanked me, told me that if it wasn’t for me, their daughter would have died. That they will never forget what I did, that this is a debt that can never be repaid.

I tried telling them how it wasn’t me. How you handed Miral to me, stepped in front of us. Strong and brave and determined. Just as you’ve always been. From the moment I met you. Always so protective of your crew, your family, those who would have died for you. But you would have never let us.

 

Just before it is time for my next hypospray, I can vividly remember you sinking to the ground, hear my scream, can almost feel the tension in my muscles as I struggle to protect Miral, the force of being shot. The memories come rushing in, no longer contained by the narcotics. Instead I feel Miral’s shaking frame pressed tightly against me, trying my best to ignore the increasing pain, one hand reaching for you, wanting to check your pulse despite the hole in your chest.

 

But then the Doctor or Tom are there again, and soon after I return to the pleasant fog.

 

Maybe I should be thinking about my family, my friends, important crossroads of my life. But at the surface there is only ever you.

 

We may have had eight years together but these past five months are all I seem to recall clearly anymore.

The months during which I got to kiss you. Never where we could be seen, never outside of our separate quarters. Even if the crew knew we were involved, we kept a low profile. What we had was just for us, our secret, something we didn’t have to share with anybody.

Remember how I used to tease you? About how your pips seemed to keep rolling under my bed? About how determined you were to find out where I hid the cider? About how your feet were always cold and how I finally asked you to just please put on some socks in bed. We laughed so hard at your gorgeous bare legs ending in purple fuzzy socks. We laughed until I proved to you that even silly footwear couldn’t deter me from making love to you.

 

Love. Making love. Being in love.

 

I can’t seem to find the memory of the first time you said you loved me. I’ve waded through the fog, but other memories are always getting hold of me first. I never seem to be able to shove them aside, I’m not quite in charge of them anymore.

 

But I can see you saying the words. See your lips forming them. Hear them in all the ways you have said them to me.

Telling me in my bed. And in yours. Telling me with tousled hair, your skin still gleaming with sweat after collapsing on the pillow next to mine. Telling me with tears drying on your cheeks, eyes red and nose running, after losing another crew member. Whispering the words in reassurance after a controversial briefing, saying them in all their simplicity across the dinner table, a smile on your lips.

 

I loved you through all of it. I loved you when you burned dinner, and I loved you when you snuck into my quarters late at night. Through our fights and our laughter and I even loved you when you stepped right in front of that blaster.

 

In the past years I have often thought about if I would love you till my death. I had never intended to find out so soon.

 

 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a prompt for me, please don't hesitate to let me know over on [Tumblr](http://killermanatee.tumblr.com/). :)


End file.
